There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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