I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
