so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
