This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Randomize
