On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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