my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
