Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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