I faked an abortion last night.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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