Soap is not a condiment
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
