my mouth tastes like poor choices
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
