the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Randomize
