chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
