Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
