Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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