I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
