If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
