What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
