I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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