so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
