Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
is that a dick in a sweater?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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