I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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