She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
