we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize