I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
