I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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