Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
