I swear god or herbie drove my car home
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
