Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize