just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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