at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize