She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
