I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize