He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
