I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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