Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize