we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
