dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
