The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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