I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
