I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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