So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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