I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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