she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My pussy is not your playground.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
