respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
