I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
