I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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