conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
