I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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