How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
