After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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