youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
