Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
