two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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