so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
