I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
