I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
