Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
