I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
