I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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