When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize