I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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