i already hear my dad disowning me
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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