gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
We need to rekindle our bromance
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
