yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
