you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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