Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
