you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
