It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Someone came in the potted fern
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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