Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
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